So, the anxiety has reached new levels..... I did this morning exactly what i promised i would not do anymore. I called him at 9:01am. yesterday i called him at 8:10 am. The day before i called him at 7:15 am. I guess i am getting better by 47 minutes each day. Thats a good thing, right?
Wikipedia defines Codependancey as "a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns."
That pretty much defines me and my current as well as past relationships. I spent so much time trying to please others. Keep them in a state of calm, in order to be appreciated. It doesnt work. I know that smothering does not help a relationship but, when i make my relationships my identity, its hard to not.
I dont remember my dreams, nor do I have any confidence to go through with them any more.
So I am using this blog to help me through this. I am blindly letting it all out for the world to see in hopes that i will stop letting it out on those (I think) I love. In hopes that i will love myself more so that I can be healthy enough to be happy. Pursuit and preservation of happiness is my goal. No one can fix my anxiety for me except me (and my therapist that bills me at $120 an hour). So this blog is dedicated to me and my neurosis. I plan on posting all the info i can find on anxiety, codependency, adult ADD, spirituality and philosophy. You may get random playlists of songs that have some corny insight to my life. You may get sound clips of my therapy sessions. You may get sound clips of my arguments with my boyfriend or family as well as advice from my friends.
My theory is this. If i can start looking forward to sharing my findings on the internet, then i will no longer need to share my findings and seek approval from my boyfriend. and maybe, just maybe I will be able to no longer need a relationship to be happy. Maybe i will actually be so comfortable with myself that I will be able to honestly fearlessly determine if this relationship is right for me.
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