Monday, June 6, 2011
Amazing people every where i go
Not 2 minutes after i hit post on my first post, Betty rolled into my office. Betty is a volunteer at my job, and a firecracker even in her wheel chair. The sassy 70-something great grandmother who helps my department once a week came in with a bag filled with Argentine treats. This woman with 5 grand kids and 12 great grand kids was at a church function yesterday and made it a point to steal some delicious Argentine snacks just for me. To think, how many people are in her life, and she went out of her way for me. Its not so much about me that strikes my heart, its that i did not think that I played a significant character in her story. I was taken aback and so happy that i hugged her and almost cried. Betty is a character with story that deserves to be told. Betty used to be a nurse. I call her Nurse Betty and Hot Wheels. She rolls around in her manual wheel chair due to the rheumatic arthritis that crippled her legs and hands. Shes originally from the Bronx, moved to Miami in the early seventies. Can hum a jazz tune, tell a dirty joke, and goes muddying in her chair. Her acceptance and smile makes you feel at home. I never had grandparents and i have begun to steal little moments of attention from the older volunteers at my job as surrogates for the moments i never had growing up. She remembers flying over Miami and seeing Christos wrapped islands. She remembers the hippie movement, and the chaos that engulfed New York in the seventies. I don't know why i felt the need to talk about Betty just now, but this is my blog and i can post what ever i feel like. This moment its all about Betty, cuz she gave me my first smile for the day. Thank you Betty.
Day 1 of online Therapy
So, the anxiety has reached new levels..... I did this morning exactly what i promised i would not do anymore. I called him at 9:01am. yesterday i called him at 8:10 am. The day before i called him at 7:15 am. I guess i am getting better by 47 minutes each day. Thats a good thing, right?
Wikipedia defines Codependancey as "a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns."
That pretty much defines me and my current as well as past relationships. I spent so much time trying to please others. Keep them in a state of calm, in order to be appreciated. It doesnt work. I know that smothering does not help a relationship but, when i make my relationships my identity, its hard to not.
I dont remember my dreams, nor do I have any confidence to go through with them any more.
So I am using this blog to help me through this. I am blindly letting it all out for the world to see in hopes that i will stop letting it out on those (I think) I love. In hopes that i will love myself more so that I can be healthy enough to be happy. Pursuit and preservation of happiness is my goal. No one can fix my anxiety for me except me (and my therapist that bills me at $120 an hour). So this blog is dedicated to me and my neurosis. I plan on posting all the info i can find on anxiety, codependency, adult ADD, spirituality and philosophy. You may get random playlists of songs that have some corny insight to my life. You may get sound clips of my therapy sessions. You may get sound clips of my arguments with my boyfriend or family as well as advice from my friends.
My theory is this. If i can start looking forward to sharing my findings on the internet, then i will no longer need to share my findings and seek approval from my boyfriend. and maybe, just maybe I will be able to no longer need a relationship to be happy. Maybe i will actually be so comfortable with myself that I will be able to honestly fearlessly determine if this relationship is right for me.
Wikipedia defines Codependancey as "a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns."
That pretty much defines me and my current as well as past relationships. I spent so much time trying to please others. Keep them in a state of calm, in order to be appreciated. It doesnt work. I know that smothering does not help a relationship but, when i make my relationships my identity, its hard to not.
I dont remember my dreams, nor do I have any confidence to go through with them any more.
So I am using this blog to help me through this. I am blindly letting it all out for the world to see in hopes that i will stop letting it out on those (I think) I love. In hopes that i will love myself more so that I can be healthy enough to be happy. Pursuit and preservation of happiness is my goal. No one can fix my anxiety for me except me (and my therapist that bills me at $120 an hour). So this blog is dedicated to me and my neurosis. I plan on posting all the info i can find on anxiety, codependency, adult ADD, spirituality and philosophy. You may get random playlists of songs that have some corny insight to my life. You may get sound clips of my therapy sessions. You may get sound clips of my arguments with my boyfriend or family as well as advice from my friends.
My theory is this. If i can start looking forward to sharing my findings on the internet, then i will no longer need to share my findings and seek approval from my boyfriend. and maybe, just maybe I will be able to no longer need a relationship to be happy. Maybe i will actually be so comfortable with myself that I will be able to honestly fearlessly determine if this relationship is right for me.
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